The experiences and meanings that shape heterosexual fathers' relationships with their gay sons

Abstract

Previous research indicates that gay men‟s relationships with their mothers are generally more warm, supportive, and emotional than their relationships with their fathers, and that fathers are less likely to be told, less likely to be told first, and more likely to react negatively to disclosure than mothers would. Most of these findings are derived from asking sons to report on their parental relationships. As such, very little is known about the nature of the father-son relationship before, during, and after disclosure, from the father‟s perspective. The aim of this thesis, therefore, is to uncover and explore first-hand accounts of the experiences and taken-for-granted meanings that potentially shape heterosexual fathers‟ relationships with their gay sons. A sample comprising six Afrikaans-speaking, white fathers, between the ages of 53 and 61 years, from a middle to upper-middle income bracket, and residing in Gauteng, South Africa, were selected purposively through the use of opportunistic or convenience sampling. Utilising an interpretivist approach located within the qualitative research paradigm, an individual in-depth interview strategy was adopted as a means of gathering data. A brief questionnaire probing demographic characteristics was also utilised to further contextualise the data obtained in the interviews. All the interviews were audio-recorded and transcribed for later coding and analysis. Through the use of thematic network analysis, eight organising themes were uncovered, including (a) subliminal awareness prior to coming out; (b) epistemic rupture of internal system of beliefs; (c) personal paradigmatic shifts; (d) acceptance as a complex and ongoing dialectical and reconciliatory process; (e) ambiguous loss; (f) persistent history of thought; (f) wrestling with the reason why; and (g) coming out as a dual experience. Each organising theme contained several basic themes. On the whole, the themes support the view that most parents are neither totally rejecting nor fully accepting of their gay sons. The fathers are seen to navigate their way through a plethora of experiences and meanings that are not only likely to inform the development of their multidimensional identities as men and fathers, but also shape their unique relationships with their gay sons. While the fathers may have attained a level of “loving denial” in their relationships with their gay sons, most continue to struggle with the meaning and expression of same-sex sexuality, and appear to wrestle with the challenge of integrating their understanding of same-sex sexuality with their constructions of traditional Afrikaner masculinity, as well as their meanings associated with having a gay son. However, unlike prior reports of a poor father-son dyad, the fathers reported a general improvement in their relationship with their gay son after he came out. This discrepancy may be attributed to the possibility that the particular group of fathers who volunteered to discuss their father-son relationships willingly were further along in the acceptance process. Recommendations for future research, includes an exploration of the dynamic interaction between heterosexual and gay constructions of masculinity within the father-son dyad before, during and after disclosure, examining the role that mothers play in influencing the quality of the father-son relationship before, during and after disclosure, uncovering the intra- and inter-personal variables that may facilitate the adaptive adjustment processes among fathers over the longer term, and exploring the contexts and processes associated with transitions within fatherhood across the life course of fathers of gay sons.

Heterosexual fathers' relationships with their gay sons